my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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