If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
