dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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