I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
