I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
