I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
