Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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