oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
