the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
