Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
