I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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