Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I understand Curling. That high.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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