she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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