Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Let's paint friendship bongs
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
