Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
