Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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