i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
