I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
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There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
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I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
At least life still wants to fuck me.