Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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