Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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