kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We are two peas in an std pod
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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