I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize