wanna go halves on a baby?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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