I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
