Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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