Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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