You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
