you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
