Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
