When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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