at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
