fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
