I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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