I think my fart just growled at me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
