I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
