Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
