dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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