I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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