worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Drake has all the answers
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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