last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
