respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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