When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
