my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
