I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
