I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
