don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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