where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
