hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
