i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
