I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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