She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
