Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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