he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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