these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Someone came in the potted fern
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
