Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
