ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
