so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
