my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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