And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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