Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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